Client Minimizes Affairs with Vulnerable, Much Younger Women

This is a real case where the therapist has serious ethical qualms and the client either has none or is minimizing.

The working assumption in relational ethics is that the client is having enough emotional distress to be in therapy. The focus here on this blog post is on the effects on the younger affair partners, which is the unique feature of this case, even though there is also harm to the spouse and probably to his adult children.

As for all cases, assume that the therapist is also exploring the psychological factors and significance for the individual client.

Relational Ethics teaches LEAP-C skills, which we will spell out below the case.

THE CASE

50-60 year old married male client having affairs with far younger women (17- early 20’s), especially when the younger partner displays signs of being trauma survivors or is just otherwise vulnerable.

Listen

For any hint of concern for the younger affair partners.
He may see himself as their rescuer, which would suggest that he does see them as vulnerable.

Explore

Begin by acknowledging what the client probably sees as his positive impact on the younger woman.
Ask about the traumas and negative relationship experiences his affair partner has gone through.
Inquire about complaints or distress that the affair partner brings up about this relationship. (Affairs usually have such “storms.”)
Ask how this relationship is likely to end and the suffering the affair partner will experience.

Affirm

If the client has gone with you in this exploration, say that you appreciate how he is willing to look at the positive side of this relationships well as the negative sides for all concerned.

Perspective (sample statements)

“As I listen to you, I find myself thinking about the big power differences between you and this younger woman. Is that something that occurs to you?”
“A power difference can lead to helping another person, as in mentoring relationships, and they can also harm people. How do you see the help and harm potential here?”
“Here’s my reflection. The sex part of older man/younger women relationships really complicates it especially for the woman. She often ends up feeling used.”
“One of the things I worry about for young women in this situation is that she is not learning how to relate to men her own age, the men she might end up as a life partner with. Does that make sense to you?"

Challenge (this skill builds on the earlier ones and each example would be followed with an invitation to the client to respond with how it’s landing for him)

“This relationship feels so good at this point, and you’re getting such good feedback from your partner about how she likes it, that I am worried that you are not seeing the potential damage to her and long term to you.”
“You’ve been around this block a number of times, and you are better prepared to move on from an affair than I imagine your affair partner is. You’ve said she has felt abandoned often in the past, and I see that happening with you at some point.”
“I’m going to ask you a hard question right now. I’d like you to imagine that your daughter goes through traumatic incidents in her life that she hasn’t worked through, and that she gets involved sexually with a much older man as a kind of personal therapy for her, instead of real therapy. How would that make you feel?”
“I’ve been pushing you pretty hard in this session, and I appreciate you hanging in there with me. How are you feeling right now?"