Parents Undermining Their Ex With the Children – Relational Ethics in Therapy

The case is a real one. As for all ethical consultation cases, there are many clinical dimensions that the therapist will explore along with the ethical dimension that is the focus here.

We will use the LEAP-C skills as a guide.

THE CASE

After a marital separation of two months, with the couple on the way to divorce, the client discovers that her husband is seeing another woman and has introduced the woman to their 12 year old son. The boy deals with chronic anxiety and learning disabilities. The client is enraged and tells her therapist that “the deal is off” about being neutral about what she says to her son about his father, an arrangement she previously agreed was best for her son. The client says she plans to tell her son that his father is a “moral scum bag and adulterer.” She said that her psychiatrist agreed with her that it’s time to stop painting her husband “with a rosy color.”

Listen

For indications that she is concerned about the effects of her actions on her child
For doubts about going back on an agreement she had made with her husband to not say negative things about each other
For her effort to sort out whether it was better for her child to know the “truth” about his father than not reveal it

Explore (after empathizing with her distress)

Her sense of how her son would feel after she told him that his father was a moral scum bag for cheating on his mother
How she puts together for herself the difference between “concealing” her views about her husband and simply not talking about what husband has done
Her recollection of whether she and her husband had a prior agreement about not having new romantic partners during the separation stage
Whether she can distinguish her personal distress and anger and what might be best for her son

Affirm

Affirm the client for being concerned enough to bring her plan to therapy before talking to her son, and for keeping her son’s needs present in her mind even though she is so hurt and angry.

Perspective (sample statements)

“I get your bind. On the one hand, you don’t want to hurt your son by upsetting him and turning him against his father. On the other hand, you feel that your husband has already done damage by seeing another woman and letting your son meet her.”
“I hear you struggling with your responsibility to be honest with your son and not conceal what his father is like, versus your concern for the potential harm to your son. Do I have that right?”
“I’d like to offer my thought. My main concern is how your son would experience this kind of moral condemnation about his father. “Moral scumbag” is pretty loaded for a young man to hear about a father he loves.”
“There is a difference between what you might say in venting to a friend about your husband’s actions and what would might to say to a child, and particularly one who has some psychological fragility.”
“I hear you say that you don’t want to “paint a rosy picture” of your husband, something you feel you did during the marriage. I agree with you there. There is a difference, though, between giving up saying positive things you don’t really believe about your husband, and putting him down to your child—even if you feel it’s true. Does this make sense?”
“Something I’ve learned over the years is that unless there is an emergency going on, it’s usually best to take some time to think about options about what to say to a child in a sticky situation like this.”

Challenge (if the above has not budged her plan)

“Rebecca, I want to say how worried I am that in your understandable pain and distress about your husband’s actions, you might do something that will seriously harm your son.”
“I’m concerned that your hot anger towards your husband right now is creating a blind spot about the effects on your son.”
“Rebecca, this is your decision and I’ll be here for you no matter what you decide. I’m also challenging you pretty hard right now and I’m worried that you may have regrets in the future. I wonder how my challenge is going down for you.”
“Your beef is with your husband, and I’m concerned that if you say these things to your son, he’s the one will have to deal with the consequences more than your husband will. I can help you figure out how to talk to your husband now about your concerns.”