Individual Considering Divorce – Relational Ethics in Therapy

THE CASE

Julie is considering divorce. She has no kids with her husband of 9 years but has built a life with him and feels committed to the best sides of him. He struggles with drinking and an abusive childhood past that comes out in anger, and a near compulsive need to constantly be out doing things--when she loves nothing more than being home in the quiet. She feels this pull between leaving the drama he creates in her life and the commitment she made to him. This is her second marriage.

Keep in mind that the following focuses on the ethical dimension. There are other clinical areas to pursue as well.

Listen

For her ambivalence about divorce showing up in her sense of having once made a commitment to her husband.

Explore

What she means by commitment and how it has played out in this marriage of 9 years.
How she processes her first divorce in terms of her own decision to leave, or whether her husband initiated the divorce and how she feels about that. Her ethical feelings and intuitions may come up about that divorce.
Whether she feels that her sense of not having boundaries in this marriage is in tension with her sense of commitment.
Her sense of her own contributions to the problems in the marriage, including the effects of her behavior on her husband. In other words, how she has responsibility for shaping the marriage as it has evolved.
With this being potentially her second divorce, how she sees herself as working hard to get through problems versus giving up.
Whether she has told her husband that she is considering leaving him, and if so, how he responded.
Whether she has sought help for the relationship via couples therapy in the past, and her sense of responsibility now about seeking help before making a final decision.

Affirm

Affirm her willingness to take her commitment seriously.

Perspective (sample statements)

“As I listen to you, I hear two values in tension for you. One is for you to have a healthy, balanced life, which right now is not happening for you in this marriage, and the other is your sense of responsibility to your marriage and the promises you once made to your husband. Does this sound like part of what’s going on for you?”
“One perspective I can share is that until a couple has had a good “dose” of couples therapy, it’s hard to know whether they can make changes that would allow them to stay married and keep their commitment while living healthy lives and having a good relationship. In your case, your problems haven’t been “treated” in therapy, so it’s hard to know if they are fixable. What do you make of what I’m saying?”
“As you tell the story of your marriage, your husband’s contributions to the problems and how he affected you come through a lot more clearly than your contributions and how you have affected him.”
“One belief I have about marriage is that a spouse deserves to hear from their partner that the marriage is in serious trouble, so that they have a chance to decide whether to work on changes. In other words, unless there is danger in how someone might react, I think that married people deserve a chance to respond before it’s too late to save the marriage. What are your thoughts about what I just said; you may see it differently.”

Challenge (this skill builds on the earlier ones and each example would be followed with an invitation to the client to respond with how it’s landing for him)

“You know, it takes two to make for chronic relationship problems. I’m worried that you are having a hard time looking at your part, and especially what you might be able to change in yourself.”
”I hear you telling yourself that you cannot stay in your marriage because your husband is not able to change. I’d like to challenge you there. I don’t know that anyone can say for sure whether another person can change.”
“I’m concerned that you might be making a big decision to end your marriage without bringing your husband up to speed about how close you are to leaving him.”
“When I asked you about seeking couples therapy before making a decision to divorce, you’ve kind of brushed the idea aside. That worries me for you. I feel a bit like I’m telling someone with a serious illness that it’s best to see a doctor, and the person says that a doctor cannot help. Maybe that’s true, but I’m not so sure about it.”
“I’m going to push a bit here because the stakes are high. What’s the downside of seeking couples therapy to see if you can fix the problems in your marriage and keep the commitment you said it important to you?”