Divorce Decision Making with an Individual Seeking Mid-Life Joy

Deciding whether to divorce or work on a marriage is one of the most ethically fraught decision in adult life, and it’s a common issue people bring up in therapy.

Recent research shows that 25% of married individuals are seriously thinking about divorce in a given year, and many of them go to individual therapy while their spouse remains in the dark about how they are feeling about the marriage ending.

THE CASE

A 50-year-old man says that although he loves his wife and she’s a good person, he does not feel passion and sees her as a friend and not a wife/lover. They get along okay—they don’t argue, don’t talk much and have sex rarely. Their children are doing well, off to college now. At age 50 the husband feels he has a limited number of years to seek personal joy in the kind of relationship he wants. He has not told his wife he is deeply unhappy and thinking of leaving her. An occasion for him seeking therapy is what he believes is low-level depression related to being unhappy in his marriage and stage in life.

As for all cases we discuss, assume that the therapist is exploring the psychological factors for the individual client. This could include challenging him about any unrealistic ideas about future relationships that will be passionate and not require emotional work on his part.

The focus here is in the ethical dimension: how we weight the effects of his choices on others besides himself.

Relational Ethics in Therapy teaches LEAP-C skills, which we will exemplify for this case.

Listen

For the client’s concern about the impact of his divorce decision on his wife.
For his rationale for not telling her up front about his feelings—he may think it’s best for her.
For any expression of concern about the effects on a divorce on his adult children and potentially other family members.

Explore

His reasons for not being open with his wife about his unhappiness and declining commitment to the marriage.
His sense that he either hurts himself (by staying) or his wife (by leaving).
His values about commitment in marriage versus his need for personal fulfillment.
Whether he has been in an affair (emotional or sexual) as a contributor to his decision making.
Whether the couple has had therapy in the past, and how it went.
The views of people he has confided in, including other therapists.

Affirm

If the client is taking this exploration seriously, appreciate how he is willing to look at the needs of everyone involved.

Perspective (sample statements)

On the matter of telling his wife:
“One perspective I’d like to offer is that you can’t really know how your wife would respond because this is new territory for both of you.”
“It can be helpful to ask yourself this question: 'If roles were reversed and my wife was thinking of leaving me because she was unhappy, would I want her to tell me before she announced she was leaving?’”
On his dilemma:
“You said you’ve pretty much ruled out the possibility of your marriage changing in a way where you could stay and feel love, passion, and joy. From my experience, I can say that it’s hard to know for sure that someone cannot or will not change.”
“Given that you and your wife have held back a lot from each other, it’s impossible to know what might change if you were both open with each other, with the help of a therapist.”
“Growing apart over the years and feeling empty now often comes from making thousands of small decisions over the years not to engage, to turn away. Falling out of love comes from choices we make in relationships, not from some mysterious force that declines over the years. How does what I’m saying fit for you?”
On other stakeholders:
“I get why you are worried about how your kids will react if you leave their mother. Although they are not living at home anymore, they still depend on you and your wife—and your marriage. Given how little conflict they’ve seen in your marriage, they are likely to be shocked and rattled by your announcement.”

Challenge (this skill builds on the earlier ones and each example would be followed with an invitation to the client to respond with how it’s landing for him)

“I hear you saying that there is no way your wife can change. I’d like to challenge you on that. I’ve been in the people changing business for a long time, and I am never sure that someone can’t grow and change—especially when they get serious help. You could be completely right, of course; still, I want to challenge your certainty that your wife cannot change, especially because you’ve not raised a big red flag about the future of your marriage.”
“Sometimes when people tell me that their spouse cannot change they are really saying that they (themselves) can’t change, or don’t want to. Does any of that fit for you?”“I want to push you a bit when you say that couples therapy can’t help because you tried it once before. You’ve told me that you held way back in that therapy and that it was mostly about how you and your wife co-parented together. You’ve never had a big dose of couple’s therapy.”
“As I listen to you talk about how others in your family are going to take your leaving your marriage, I have the sense you are so focused right now on your own unhappiness and relief from a lonely marriage (for understandable reasons), that you have blind spot about the effects on others. Those effects don’t mean that you have to stay, but my hope is that you look at the impact realistically.”
“I’m worried for you right now. I’m worried that you will miss an opportunity to see if your marriage can be turned around and your family held together because you’ve convinced yourself that you have to make a big life change that can only happen if you end your marriage. Again, it’s up to you, and I don’t get a vote here.”
“I’m going to say something straight and challenging, and of course you can make of this what you want. Right now I’m worried that you might be “treating your anxiety” about your mid-life situation by embarking on a premature divorce without telling your wife what’s going on and giving her, and you, a chance to learn what’s happened and to see if you can get to a better place in the future, a place that works for both of you. How are you taking in what I’m saying? I do appreciate your letting me say it straight out, because the stakes are high.”